Switching the Deck – Chapter Twelve -emersli1

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Eddie was encouraged to take a nap while Buck and Chris went to a new exhibit at the Natural History Museum.  Ordinarily, Eddie would have been happy to go along with his two science nerds, but he had been informed of a special event occurring that evening that he’d want to be sure to be awake for, so he capitulated with good grace.

Christopher was having the time of his life.  The exhibition was an interactive fossil experience.  He got to use mock-ups of the newest sonar technology for ground-penetrating and poke around in a cross-section of earth going down to the Permian layer.  In the end, a large floor was divided up into a grid modeled on the Mammoth Site in South Dakota where kids could locate, excavate, and work with plaster of Paris to safely extract and transport fossils.  Chris’s find turned out to be from an American camel.

After several happy hours, the two turned in their aprons and went back to the car, tired but happy.

Lunch was ice cream, and Buck refused to feel guilty about that.  This was the last day he’d have out with Chris for a while, and one meal of ice cream wouldn’t kill the kid.  They had plans for after lunch, so they didn’t just go hog wild, but they both enjoyed their sundaes.

Afterwards, as Buck was cleaning the sticky off both their hands and faces, Chris decided they needed to stop off at the park across the street before they went to the library to finish out their day.

Buck was surprised when Chris wanted to sit on the bench next to him instead of making his way over to the playground section.  Obviously, this was going to be a Conversation, and Buck could only hope Abuela’s chanclas weren’t going to make an appearance.

After several moments of silence, Chris finally sighed and just decided to go for it.  “Buck, can I call you ‘Papa’ now?  I didn’t really ask earlier, and I guess I should have.  It just slipped out the first time, and then…I liked it.”

Buck put his arm around the little boy who had stolen his heart.  “Christopher, you may call me anything you like, so long as it doesn’t upset your dad.  I probably should have said something too, but I really liked hearing it.”

“I talked to Daddy about it after you fell asleep the night I fixed dinner.  He said it was fine with him, but we might need to ease you in slowly.  And then I got all excited and just went and…did it.”  Chris sighed, obviously disappointed in his lack of subtlety.

“Hey, sometimes the time just feels right.  And when your heart tells you that it’s go time … you go.  I was surprised, but I’ll tell you the absolute honest truth here Chris.  No one has ever called me ANYTHING that immediately felt more precious and RIGHT.  So don’t feel bad about the way it happened.  It will be one of my favorite memories for the rest of my life.”  Buck squeezed the little boy gently.

“I’m worried about Daddy.”  Chris sounded like he’d been keeping this in for a while.  “He was having nightmares and one time he came home from someplace and just grabbed me and held on tight for a really long time.  I thought he was gonna tell me someone else had died.  And now you’re gonna be gone and I’m afraid Daddy’s new team might not have his back like you did, and…”

“Hey, hey, hey.  Stop and take a breath Christopher.”  Buck thought for a moment about what he wanted to say.  He had to get this right so he really considered his words in a way he usually didn’t.  “First of all, it’s absolutely ok for you to talk to me about anything.  And it’s perfectly normal for you to be worried about your dad.”

“Nothing in this world scares your dad more than something hurting you.  And first you lost your mom, then you and I got lost in a tsunami, and then your dad almost did something really dumb that could have hurt you himself.  So he’s got a lot of stuff swimming around in his brain and sometimes that’s going to mean nightmares.”  Buck considered a moment.

“I think the time he came home and held you for a long time?  I think that must have been the night he’d almost done something that could have ended with you being hurt.  I think it scared him.  Your dad’s so strong Chris, but he was taught that it was wrong to ask for help.  He’s trying really hard to teach you better than that.  And I’m not sayin’ that there might not be a slip or two along the way.  But when that happens, we pick each other up and keep going, right?”

Chris nodded firmly.  “Yep.  It’s like that song you like.  We pick ourselves up.  Dust ourselves off.  And start all over again.”

Buck laughed softly.  “Way to out me on my secret love of musicals, Superman.  But yes.  It’s exactly like that.  Now as far as your dad’s new team…one of the reasons your dad asked to go to Captain Martin’s house is because a lot of the team there are veterans like your dad.  They know how to have each other’s backs.  And your dad’s worked with them before and felt safe there.”

“One of the reasons he had to move, was because he has to be able to trust his Captain to make the right decisions to get him home to you safely.  And I guess to me safely.”  Buck took a moment to savor the little thrill of that.  “And he believes Captain Martin will do that.  I do too.  And it’s just really hard to trust somebody like that…not just with your life, but with the lives of your children and partner…when you know they lie.  Not just a ‘no, your butt doesn’t look big in that’ kind of lie, but a real, important lie.”

Chris giggled a little, just the way Buck had hoped he would.  “So, I think your dad has made some important steps in the right direction.  And I hope I have too.  But like you said…it’s not like we’re OLD, right?  We have time to change directions if we need to.  We just have to keep each other close.”

“‘Cause we’re a family, right Papa?”  Chris looked up at him trustingly.

“Exactly right buddy.  Exactly right.”

Eddie slept until nearly noon.

He didn’t realize how exhausted his shift had made him.  Not just he calls, but the stress of acting normal when things were very much not normal.  That was a heavy lift for him.  But he’d made it out unscathed, or at least he’d thought so.

Now, seeing Bobby’s name lighting up his phone Eddie was tempted to let it go to voicemail.  But he was trying hard to be braver in his emotional life, so he quickly ran through the couple of things he learned so far in group therapy…and took the call.

“Hey Bobby, what’s up?”

“I was actually calling to ask you that, Eddie.  Why do I have transfer orders for you in my email?  When you haven’t even talked to me about a problem?”  Bobby sounded equal parts exasperated and exhausted.

“I asked for a transfer to the 89.  I’ve worked overtime with them several times, and they’re closer to my home and my childcare than the 118.  I also trust them to have my back.  Bosko’s … alright… but I know she’s reckless and impulsive and disregards her limits when her emotions kick in.  Now that I’m my son’s only parent, I need to make sure my partner is someone I can really gel with.  And trust.”  Eddie was careful to keep his voice level and his tone matter of fact.

Bobby seemed to consider what he’d said.  “Well, I thought you’d get along really well, since she’s so much like Buck.  But we could’ve tried a different fit.  You really didn’t have to go nuclear like this.”

“Until the brass is ready to let Buck back to work, you mean?  Assuming sitting at that damn desk hasn’t killed him by then?”  Eddie wondered how far Bobby was prepared to take it.  

He also objected to the obvious comparison the captain was making between Bosko and Buck.  Buck was reckless with himself, but never in a way that might endanger anyone else.  Somewhere along the way, his love had learned that he was less valuable than everyone around him, so he acted accordingly.  That still made Eddie livid when he thought about it, and he was trying really hard to disengage his hyperactive anger response.  But maybe this was a valid situation for it.  Who wouldn’t be angry at child abuse?

Bobby sighed.  “Look Eddie, I don’t like it any better than you do, but there’s nothing I can do about it.  When the department feels he’s ready, Buck will be back.  And I know he’s going to miss you when that happens.  Does he know about this?”

Eddie felt a little sick.  Looked like Bobby was doubling down.  Should he call him on it or play along?  Deciding he didn’t have to answer anything he wasn’t actually asked, Eddie  focused on the actual question.  “Yes, actually.  He encouraged me to find a position where I felt safe.  For Chris’s sake as well as my own.  Lena has tried to be a friend, but her coping methods can’t be mine.  Chris and I are both starting therapy, and trying to work our way to a better place.  For right now that feels like the 89.”

“Well, OK then.  I’m sorry to see you go and it’s been an honor to serve with you.  I wish you all the best.  Martin runs a good house.  But I hope you know you’ll always be welcome, you and Chris, at our events.  And if you ever need a new situation, all you have to do is send me a message.  Good luck, Eddie.  I wish you could have talked to me before things got to this point, but I understand.  We do what we need to for our kids.  Be safe.”  Bobby hung up, and Eddie breathed a sigh of relief.

Looking at the clock, he hustled into the shower.  He needed to be ready to go when his boys got home.  Chris had gone through his entire closet and picked out his clothes for tonight.  He was sure the little boy had done the same for Buck.  It should be interesting anyway.

Buck and Chris managed to extract themselves from the library with only five books.  That might be a record for them, and the librarian had looked as though she was thinking about checking their temperatures.  But Buck had smiled and explained that he was relocating for a while and didn’t want to risk accidentally absconding with a book, so she let it go with a smile.

Getting back to the house, Chris hurried to put up his books and get ready to go to Abuela’s for the night.  Buck and Eddie took turns in the bathroom getting ready to go, and both men submitted themselves for inspection in the living room, smiling fondly as their son looked them over and approved their efforts.

The process was repeated at Abuela’s.  The older woman exclaimed over them both, and smugly fist-bumped her great-grandson at their success.  Then reminded Eddie and Buck to be at her house by 11:00 tomorrow to help set up for the family barbecue saying good-bye to Buck and wishing him well.

The men laughed and agreed, racing each other out to the truck and heading off for their first date.

Eddie loved the Thai place. 

The food was great.  The restaurant was what he privately thought of as ‘mid-level’.  You needed to dress a little more nicely, but it wasn’t a suit and tie sort of spot.  And they didn’t give you a leaf and three beans arranged artistically on a plate that cost more than your suit and call it dinner.

But what really made the evening special was the company.  Or maybe the understanding between them, since they’d had dinner together a hundred times at least.  But this felt new, and special, and Eddie just wanted to savor being on a date with someone he actually liked as well as … well, you know.

Buck for his part was no less pleased with the food, or the company.  He filled Eddie in on all his and Chris’s goings on during the day, from the first peek through the sonar to the last careful deliberation over his book selections.  Maybe it wasn’t typical first date conversation, but as had been pointed out to them, they’d really been dating for months.  And both men were always happy to talk about their kid.

Though that did bring up a question Eddie had that needed to be asked before Buck left for Yreka.

“Evan, would you be ok with being Chris’s guardian?  If anything were to happen to me, I mean?  I need to update my will now that Shannon’s gone.  My parents were our back-up, but I think that would be a big mistake.  I’m not sure why my folks think Chris would be better off with them…”

“Edmundo, of course I’m ok with being in your will as Chris’s guardian.  I hope I’m in your paperwork as your medical proxy as well.  I think you’re an amazing man, but I think that’s in spite of your parents not because of them.  Speaking of parenting Chris though, he called me ‘papa’ the other day at Moorpark.  We talked about it while we were out today, and I told him I would be honored as long as it was alright with you.  He said you’d already given your approval so…”  Buck looked across the table at the love of his life, obviously trying to decide whether or not he could squeeze in one more bite.

Eddie looked up in surprise.  “Yeah, of course.  I mean, I figure we wouldn’t have started this if we weren’t thinking permanent.  Considering the ‘Christopher’ of it all.  I know you wouldn’t risk hurting him anymore than I would.  So I don’t see any reason why he shouldn’t call you what you are…as long as you’re comfortable with it.”

A gentle smile took over Eddie’s face for a moment.  “You’ve been parenting him with me for weeks now.  Did you not notice how things had changed?  I’ll admit I didn’t, not really.  But honestly, there just aren’t many people I’d leave my son with for a day.  So I think some part of me knew you were ours…were part of US…even back then.”

“And in the interests of full disclosure, I talked to Bobby today.  He called to ask about my transfer.”  Eddie sighed.  “And he doubled down on his lie about the department benching you.  If I had any doubts…well, I definitely don’t anymore.  He did say he hoped we’d still be around socially.  I guess I’ll play that part by ear.  I’m really not sure how to feel about that.  Right now, I’m pretty angry at everybody, but I’m gonna be working on that, right?”

Buck thought for a moment.  “I don’t hate Bobby, Eds.  I just can’t trust him.  With either of us.  His emotions are driving his judgement right now, and that’s dangerous.  At least for the people he’s emotional about.  And I don’t know if it’s guilt or fear driving his engine, but it doesn’t really matter.  If he’s willing to lie about this… well, what else might he be willing to lie about?  I can’t work for someone I can’t trust.  And I’m glad you transferred, ‘cause it would be really hard to trust him with you.”

Looking straight across the table, Buck laid all his cards out.  “I’m all in, Eddie.  I mean, rings and flowers, and vows, and adoption, and maybe somewhere down the line a surrogate.  All in.  I love you.  You’re my person, as Chris said.  And while I may have to leave you temporarily, know that my home is where you are, and I will always come back to you.”

Eddie couldn’t believe the courage of this man.  His willingness to open himself to the possibility of hurt and rejection.  Especially after the upbringing he’d had… the life he’d lived.  Not that Eddie was going to hurt or reject him, of course.  He wasn’t an idiot.

Taking a deep breath, he put his napkin on the table…and slid out of his chair onto one knee.

The entire restaurant got quiet, with excited whispers going up at the nearby tables.  Eddie removed the gift Abuela had slipped into his pocket before they left the house this evening and held it up, taking one of Buck’s hands in his.

Buck, for his part, was scarcely breathing…unable to believe this was actually happening.  His reserved love was actually on one knee in the middle of a busy restaurant.  With a ring!

Eddie looked up into that beloved face.  And offered his heart and his Abuelo’s ring.  “Evan, I know I’m no prize.  I’ve got a lot of work to do on myself still.  But I’m done being a coward.  I’m all in too.  Flowers, and vows, and babies, and all.  And I already have the ring.  If you say yes.”

Buck smiled down at Eddie.  “I haven’t heard a question yet, Edmundo.”

Eddie gave a watery sort of laugh.  “I’m a mess Evan, but you already know that.  And I’m your mess, if you want me.  Evan ‘no middle name’ Buckley, will you marry me?”

Buck laughed as a tear escaped one eye and rolled unheeded down his cheek.  “Yes, Edmundo Stefan Diaz.  I will marry you.”

The restaurant cheered as Eddie slipped his Abuelo’s ring onto the hand he was still holding, and reached up to kiss his fiancé.  

The manager was quietly taking care of their ticket, and the waitress was bringing them complimentary desserts, and Buck and Eddie were laughing and crying and sitting there staring stupidly at each other.

“But Eds, I have a middle name.”  Eddie was surprised, since Buck hadn’t mentioned a middle name when the subject came up.

“What is it?”  What could it possibly be that Buck wasn’t willing to share until now?

“Christopher.”

Later that evening, staring up at a projection of the night sky over Los Angeles, Eddie lay his head on Buck’s shoulder.  Held the hand that wore his ring.  Thought about the family party tomorrow, and the separation to come.

“It will be the same sky, Evan.  The same stars.  Even when you’re in Yreka and I’m here.  When we look up, we’ll be looking at the same stars.  And we’ll be together.”

“The same sky.  The same stars.  A new deck.  Together, Eds.  I like that.”  Buck may be switching the deck, but he wasn’t doing it alone.  He would never truly be alone again.

They were a family, and they would survive.

Together.  

The next morning at 11:00 the newly engaged couple presented themselves at their Abuela’s house.  Amidst much forehead kissing and cheek pinching, and an excited eight-year-old’s happy squeals, the two were welcomed by their family.  As the party carried on into the evening, the well-wishes and I-told-you-so’s flew thick and fast.  And the little family basked in the love and excitement of their wider family.

The tamales were amazing.  The posole was just as good.  Everyone in the family had brought a dish to share…their best dish.  And it was all incredible.

But when Isabel brought out the cake, with “Congratulations, Daddy, Papa, and Me’ written in wobbly green icing…well that topped it all.

And the next morning at dawn, when Buck kissed his fiancé and their sleepy son and climbed into his truck with the trailer hooked on behind, he looked up at the barely lightening sky.  “The same sky.  The same stars.  Together, even when we’re apart.”

Then he put the truck in gear, and headed out.