Journey – Part 1 – Nimue of the North

Reading Time:
17 Minutes

“Dad! We’re home!”

Evan followed his best friend Mike into her house and closed the door behind them. Nobody called her Michaela and stayed her friend for long.

They put their shoes on the rack by the door—there was always one slot open for Evan’s shoes. Their backpacks ended up at the foot of the stairs as they headed for the kitchen to raid the fridge. Cafeteria lunch had been rather unsatisfying that day. As they spread all the fixings for sandwiches out on the counter and started the well-honed routine of assembling them, Mike’s father joined them from his studio.

“Salut, you two. Don’t spoil your appetite for later. Your mum is bringing home all the ingredients for that new pasta dish she found. She called earlier to declare that her day at the office required some cooking to get over. So we have that to look forward to.”

Evan tried to remember the details of the recipe in question. “Doesn’t that dish have to go into the oven for like 45 minutes? Sounds like dinner will be somewhat late. Shall we make you a sandwich as well, Etienne?”

“Well, maybe a small one can’t hurt. I worked through lunch, I think.” He endured their smirks goodnaturedly as Mike pulled out a third plate and Evan reached for the bread again. Eating at the Du Lac house had ruined Evan for bread. Etienne might be French Canadian and not actually French, but his grandparents had immigrated from France and had been bakers, so disdain for the average bread aisle of an American supermarket was a matter of family honour. Evan had been easily convinced after about three meals with the family.

“Are you still working on something for the exhibition?” Evan asked after they all had their first bite.

“Nothing new, just making tweaks here and there where different pieces don’t work together quite right. My perfectionism is not always my friend. I hadn’t even noticed the time until you arrived.”

Mike got up with a frown and filled three glasses with water and placed them with each plate. Etienne’s glass was extra large, because forgetting the time usually equaled forgetting to eat and drink for him. “You’re not getting up until that is empty.” She pointed an uncompromising finger at her father.

“It’s almost like I’m not even the parent,” Etienne complained, prompting Mike to pull up a most disapproving eyebrow. “Yes, ma cher, I will drink all the water. Thank you for looking out for me.” He took a large sip before biting into his sandwich again.

Evan smiled about their antics as Mike settled back into her chair, satisfied. He’d long since given up trying to imagine how such a scene would play out with his own parents, because the reality of it was that it simply wouldn’t. In his family, no one cared enough about the other to make sure they drank enough. No one appreciated the other enough to be thankful for the prodding.

“How did things go with the office, Evan? Could you make all the arrangements you’d hoped?”

Evan sighed, still annoyed. “Eventually, yes. But the secretary gave me a hard time, like I was personally insulting her.”

“What was she so opposed to?”

“Oh, she really wanted me to participate in the graduation ceremony, talking up what an important rite of passage it is, and how I will regret missing it the rest of my life. And wouldn’t my parents love to watch me walk onto that stage, with the uncomfortable overpriced gown and the ridiculous overpriced cap… the culmination point of them raising me to be ready for adulthood. Blrg. At that point I’d already said like three times that I really didn’t want the ceremony and would they please just send my diploma and any other paperwork to this address. 

“So, I kinda snapped a little. I can’t really tell the school what’s up because I don’t know what they might feel they have to report to someone, even after years of ignoring the obvious. So, I told her, my parents didn’t much care for academic success. That it had taken my mother barely five minutes to throw away the graduation flyer after I placed it on the kitchen counter. And that according to the kitchen calendar, she would be on a spa weekend trip with her friends while all their husbands are participating in a golf tournament at the country club. Being proud of me didn’t seem high on their list of priorities and so I really didn’t see the point of the event.

“I mean, I know I’d have people cheering for me. You guys, our friends and probably some of their families. There are even a few teachers who I believe are genuinely happy for our success and not just glad to see us leave. And I appreciate all of that, I really do. But it would make what wasn’t there even more obvious. And it would make it hurt more.” The earlier anger had vanished from his voice by the end.

“I didn’t tell her that last part. She looked already gobsmacked when I told her about the spa trip. I didn’t want her to pity me. I’d rather she see a slightly petulant graduate than some kind of pity project. She finally relented and we had another little tap dance around the care-of-address but she eventually bought that I was staying with a friend while my parents were busy and I didn’t want my mail to bother them. So that should all be sorted.”

Etienne set aside his empty plate and reached across the table, placing a hand gently on Evan’s forearm. “I am happy you got the result you wanted, and sad, that you had so many hurdles placed in front of you. We are indeed very proud of your accomplishments and would love to celebrate them with you, but we can do that just as well with a family barbecue, no gowns or silly caps required.” He ended on a warm smile and gentle squeeze of Evan’s arm. 

He smiled back, still always amazed that he’d been so lucky to have Mike call him a friend and take him home their first day in middle school. Her parents had embraced the awkward, lost boy just like she did and it had made all the change in Evan’s life.

“And now, off with you,” Etienne broke the tension and made a shooing gesture. “I’ll tidy up and go back to tweak my details. You two play games, or watch TV, or plan world domination, or whatever it is you do now that you are free from studying for exams.” 

Mike grinned. “Pinky, are you pondering what I’m pondering?”

“I think so, Brain, but we haven’t picked the apples yet.”

Mike laughed and leaned over to the fruit bowl, grabbing two apples and tossing one to Evan. She kissed her father’s cheek in passing and Evan gave the man a nod he hoped conveyed his deep gratitude and affection because he didn’t know how else to show it.

—

Evan carefully closed the door to Mike’s bedroom and walked down the stairs. She’d fallen asleep on his shoulder in the middle of an episode of some true crime docudrama and he’d tucked her in and made sure everything else was put in its place as he’d done so often before. He thought it was endearing how easily Mike could fall deeply asleep in the evenings. He was also a little jealous because his mind was always a bit too busy and kept him awake. He had to make a conscious effort to fall asleep but he’d found some techniques that helped—most of the time. Mike thought it was all kinds of annoying and embarrassing that she needed an afternoon nap if they wanted to join any kind of event that lasted longer than ten.

Evan gently knocked on the open archway leading into the living area before he stuck his head through to tell Mike’s parents goodbye.

“Mike fell asleep on me again, so I’m headed off to my own bed. Thanks again for dinner and have a good night!”

“Come, sit with us for a moment, Evan.” Martha waved him in as Etienne paused whatever they were watching.

Evan hesitated but the look Martha gave him brokered no argument and, as always, completely made up for her five foot nothing stature. So, he saved himself his protests and settled onto the second couch. 

He couldn’t remember ever seeing Martha and Etienne sitting apart outside of larger social gatherings. They were always comfortably close. It had felt foreign to young Evan at first but now it just made it very clear how perfunctory the relationship between his own parents was. His mother had her corner of the formal looking sofa, his father preferred the armchair on the other side of the room.

Evan knew what kind of relationship he’d prefer in the future. He was also curious which of these two examples was more common, but he’d never figured out a way to ask amongst his friends without making it weird.

Martha smiled at Evan but there was something mixed in there that he couldn’t quite put a name to yet.

“We know you want to leave Hershey as soon as possible.” She held up a hand when Evan started to protest what he thought was coming. “And we respect your desire to leave. We even understand your motivations, trust me, we do. But we’re also worried about you out there on the roads, sleeping who knows where, while you’re still a minor.”

“We’ll still worry after you turn eighteen, of course, but being underaged makes it worse,” Etienne added.

“I’m a pretty big guy,” Evan argued. “I’m not nearly as easy a target as a pretty girl like Mike would be. And I know that’s white male privilege and that’ll only last that far. But I’ll be careful. I’m pretty good at looking out for myself.”

“We know, You’re probably much better at it than you should be at your age,” Martha said with regret in her voice.

“But it’s not all about things you can control, Evan,” Etienne picked up again. “You could just become a witness to something, be attacked despite your stature, have your things stolen, or someone might crash into your car. Whether you are injured in the process or not, if authorities are called, they will have to inform your parents, probably send you home to them. How would that go?”

Evan grimaced at the thought. He never wanted to interact with Margaret and Philip ever again, that was the whole point of leaving. He certainly didn’t want to cross paths with them in a way that would allow them to yet again bemoan what a useless bothersome annoyance he was.

Martha smiled sadly. “Exactly. And if you drive all the time, that risk is only higher. And you can’t even sleep in decent motels, because the decent ones will refuse to rent to a minor and the ones who don’t care about such things, you really shouldn’t be staying at. Who knows what else those establishments won’t care about!” She threw up her hands. “I don’t even know how that renting situation plays out at campgrounds but I can’t imagine it’s much different, which only leaves you to camp basically in the wild.”

Evan shrugged sheepishly because that is pretty much what he had planned to do, not only to avoid discussions about his age, but also to save money. He had savings from the various jobs he’d worked over the years, but they would only last so long paying his way on the road and he wasn’t certain about his ability to find work as he traveled. Being careless with his money just wasn’t a good idea.

Martha frowned. “Right. So we get that you want to leave, even if we’d be more than happy to take you in.”

“I… can’t.” Evan sounded helpless even to his own ears. “I kinda wish I could, but I have no idea what I would do here. Everything feels so small here and I think broadening my horizon will really help me make some decisions for my life. How are we supposed to make a choice for our entire life at seventeen when we have basically no idea what’s out there? And Hershey isn’t big enough to escape my parents and I feel like I’m… trapped, lost, suffocating. I don’t quite have the right word for it. I just know I need to get away. I’m sorry.” The last was almost a whisper.

“You have nothing to be sorry about,” Etienne assured him. “We are sorry that you grew up in such circumstances and we wish we could have done more. We always have.”

“You already did so much. Your home and your family became such a refuge to me. Sometimes, just knowing that I could come here was all that got me through being in that house. I can’t imagine what my childhood would have been like after Maddie left for college, if Mike hadn’t taken one look at me and steamrolled the two of you with her conviction that I needed help. I feel ready for the world because of everything you taught me. You gave me so much. This house taught me what a true home can feel like. The Buckleys’ house is just a place I sleep at and occasionally do laundry.”

That made them all chuckle a bit.

“We’re glad. And we want you to know and truly take on board that this will always be home.” Martha looked him in the eyes with that way she had when she really wanted you to take something seriously. “When you need a safe haven to come home to, that—”, she gestured at the front door, “is the door you come knocking at. Better yet, keep your keys. Calling ahead is always appreciated but we never ever want you to not be able to find safety and shelter here.”

“And we’d like to be on the list of your emergency contacts at least,” Etienne added. “If you’re comfortable, we’d be honoured if you named us next of kin or give us medical POA if, god forbid, something happened and you couldn’t make your own choices. You could just name Mike and she’d rope us in anyway, but please know that we’d love to be part of your safety net.”

Evan swallowed heavily. “I was just going to list Maddie. She seems the only logical choice.”

“We’re not saying your sister doesn’t love you, Evan, but can you truly trust her to be there when it matters most? Can you trust her to know what you would want and need in such a moment? Whatever the reason—and we all have our suspicions, you know that—a lot of distance and silence has grown between the two of you. She has barely been around for half your life at this point.”

“She’s busy with her own life.” Evan gave the excuse his parents had given so often when he had still bothered to ask about Maddie. It sounded empty to his own ears.

“So are my brother and I, yet barely a month goes by that we don’t have at least one lengthy phone call,” Martha pointed out. “You make time for the people you care about. Maddie hasn’t made time for you for almost nine years, and given your circumstances and how much of your care was put on her shoulders, I find that callous. Now, mind you, she should have never been burdened with your care at her age to begin with, but that wasn’t your fault, yet you are the one she’s punishing. I know that you love her and I barely know her at all, but I’m deeply unimpressed.”

“She gave me her Jeep as a graduation gift to give me some independence, because she knew our parents wouldn’t bother and she said that wasn’t fair. It’s hell and gone better than anything I could afford on my own.”

“That was a generous gift, no doubt,” Etienne said calmly. “But by your own admission, that whole visit of hers lasted less than an hour. And it’s been that way for as long as we’ve known you. And always on her terms and schedule. Does your sister even know who you are at this point? Does she have any idea with which hopes, worries, dreams and questions you enter your adult life? Is there enough left of your relationship to trust her to be there when push comes to shove?”

Evan was fighting down tears. He wanted to yell at Etienne but the man hadn’t said these things to be cruel. He actually looked like it pained him to voice those thoughts. But the words hurt because Evan knew they were true.

When Evan felt like he could speak again there was more bitterness in his voice than he normally allowed himself. “I guess it would be like wishing upon a star that Maddie actually answers her phone and bothers to care again given how much she’s ignored me over the last years.” 

When she’d dropped the Jeep off for him, he’d tried to talk his sister into joining him for at least a little while on his roadtrip, hoping that getting her away from her husband and their parents would reveal some of the sister he remembered. The one who loved him and gave a crap.

Maddie had called him a childish dreamer.

Then she’d said an awful lot of words very quickly, about responsibilities and commitments and propriety and what it meant to be a wife.

All Evan could hear was that Doug wouldn’t like Maddie leaving for even a few days and Doug didn’t want Evan near his wife—who’d been Evan’s sister first, which clearly didn’t matter anymore.

Evan let out a shuddering breath. “You’re right. I don’t want you to be, but I know it’s true. I’ll put Maddie on the list, but behind you three. I wish I could trust her to show up when I need her, but relying on that kind of hope is stupid.”

“Not stupid,” Etienne said softly. “Never call your capacity to love and care stupid, Evan. She’s your sister and has done right by you for many years. Maybe she will again in the future. But yes, as things stand right now, you’ll need some contingency plans.”

“You’re much more than that. Thank you for looking out for me. The words seem so small in comparison, but they’re all I have.”

“You never have to thank us but you’re very welcome all the same.” Martha leaned over to pat his arm. “Now, about our worries about your travel plans and the compromise we’d like to suggest to alleviate them.”

Evan groaned. He figured he was still a teenager and allowed.

“The beach house is empty for most of the summer.”

Evan was startled by Martha’s turn of the conversation. He knew and loved their beach house in Sandbridge, away from the super touristy areas of Virginia Beach. Martha had inherited it from her grandparents but it was used by the entire family. Evan had been folded into those trips barely a year after he’d first become friends with Mike. His parents had been all too happy for the Du Lacs to take their son off their hands for the summer. They may not have understood why they wanted him, but they didn’t care either.

Martha clearly didn’t want to give Evan time to get in his head about it. “My mom is still recovering from her hip surgery and doesn’t want to pause her physical therapy or risk the long drive. We won’t be able to go until late in the season between the big restructuring project I have at work and Etienne’s exhibition and community art initiative. None of the cousins have any firm plans to go there and my brother is taking wife number three on a fancy Caribbean cruise of her dreams.”

She sighed when Etienne tutted at her tone. “And I shouldn’t be snarky about Thomas and Chelsea, because I actually like her and hope this marriage works out. She’s good for him and no kind of gold digger, having that one costly dream is not a character flaw. I actually think it’s kind of sweet that Thomas is trying to give her that experience when he’s really not a fan of being on any kind of ship. Anyway, they won’t be spending time at the house this summer either.

“So, we thought you could go to the house for a while, at least until your birthday. It would put a six hour road trip between you and Hershey, but you’d be in a safe location for a while and people around there know and like you. Nobody would be questioning you being out and about alone just to make your life difficult.”

Etienne cleared his throat. “Mike could also come and stay there with you for a while, which she would love. She has things to prep for college but that won’t take all summer and she already started missing you before you are even gone. Don’t let her tell you otherwise. She gets mopey every time you leaving comes up. And we could make it down for a long weekend to celebrate your birthday. It wouldn’t be a big celebration but turning 18 should be more than a text message while you’re driving, don’t you think? We’d love to celebrate with you.”

“I…” Evan felt overwhelmed and lost for words. His only real plan so far had been to head south for a while, so this suggestion wouldn’t even change what little planning he had. He couldn’t argue any of their points either, as much as he had tried to push them out of his mind. It wouldn’t hurt to start the main part of his trip a few months later, it wasn’t like he had anywhere to be at any point.

“That is very generous of you, but I can’t expect-”

“You aren’t expecting,” Martha interrupted him gently. “You aren’t even asking. We’re offering this to you, for no other reason than because we want to and we would feel a little better about that big adventure of yours.” She smiled. “Call it looking after the empty house for us, if it makes you feel better, even if I’d prefer you ignore that little voice in your head that keeps telling you you’re a burden. You’re not. You deserve to take up space. You deserve to have safe space. And you deserve attention and care. I won’t ever stop telling you that.”

Evan was trying really hard not to cry because it always made him feel silly.

“Think about it at least,” Etienne prompted. “You don’t have to give us your answer right now. But the offer is there and it is genuine. Just like this house will be always open to you, the beach house is yours for the summer as well, if you want it.”

Evan managed to nod and say his goodbyes.

As he parked in front of his parents’ house, he just stared for a moment. It was so similar to the Du Lacs’ house, same size, same style, same age, even the same hydrangeas in the front yard. Yet one beaconed with love and warmth, and the other had the charm of a storage unit.