The Quiet Game – Chapter One – Duochanfan

Reading Time:
13 Minutes

Chapter One

“Speaking”

‘Sign language’

November 2016 – Boston

Shane went quiet, his movements slowed. He knew he had said Ilya, he didn’t know how it sounded to Ilya, but he knew he had said the man’s given name. Not his family name, but his given name. They had never done that before. He looked down at Ilya. His eyes went wide as he read Ilya’s lips.

“Shane,” Ilya murmured as he went to reach up for a kiss, before stopping when Shane stopped moving above him. “You okay?” he asked, making sure to look at Shane so the other man could read his lips. Shane had taken his hearing aids off when they had ended up in bed and fallen asleep.

“No… no I just… I,” he began to babble, his words starting to slur together as he jumped off Ilya’s lap and tucked himself away. “I can’t…” he shook his head, wondering how quickly he could rush to Ilya’s bedroom to get his hearing aids. He needed to leave. He had to leave. Ilya had said his name; he had said Ilya’s name. They were just fuck buddies. Even if Shane knew there was something more between them. He wasn’t ready to admit it. Or maybe he was, but did he want to leave himself more vunerable that he was already feeling.

“Shane,” Ilya said, getting up as Shane began to back up, glancing around and looking toward where the front door was, and then to the bedroom. Ilya moved quickly, stopping Shane from making a run for it. “Shane,” he said, cupping his face and making him look at him. “Shane,” he said again, “Don’t go, please.”

“We… can’t do this,” Shane said weakly as he looked from Ilya’s lips to his eyes and back again.

“Watch,” he said as he took a step back. He brought up his hands before him. ‘Shane,’ Ilya’s fingers spelled out the name. Shane’s eyes went wide as Ilya continued. ‘We have gone past last names. We are something more. I know you are scared of that. I am too. I am very scared. For me, for you, for career, for what might happen with Russia.’ His hands moved with confidence as he carried on signing to Shane.

Shane responded quickly. ‘When did you learn ASL?’

Ilya smiled. ‘I’ve been learning for a long time. To show you, to speak to you like this.’

‘No one but Hayden has done that for me. My parents, of course. No one else. My family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Not one bothered to learn.’ He told him, near tears, that Ilya had taken the time to learn yet another language. This one is just for him, just for them.

‘I know. I learned. Like you learn a little Russian for me.’ He carried on, smiling as Shane blushed, his freckles standing out even more. Ilya reached up, cupping Shane’s face once more. Giving him time to move away, he kissed him, but it wasn’t the usual heated kisses that they shared when they met. It was softer, much like the few they shared after their first time together.

Shane sighed, eyes closed as he just let the kiss happen. He could feel that something was changing between them. Something that he knew had really been changing since their first moment in room 1410. He moved back as soon as Ilya finished and looked at him. “Ilya,” he said.

“Shane,” Ilya replied.

“I need my hearing aids,” Shane said as he moved away, wanting to take those few moments to himself to gather his thoughts. He rushed into the bedroom. Grabbing the little case that he kept them in whenever he took them out. He put them on, wincing at the noise coming from them for a second as his mind got used to it. There was still silence, but there was something different about it when he had them in. He didn’t like it much, hated wearing them at times. But to move around in the hearing world, he needed them, because there were a lot of people who were just ignorant of those who saw and heard the world differently. Even his parents weren’t able to help a lot. They had him in speech therapy and tutors to make sure that he would still be able to talk. They had learned ASL, but it had taken them a little longer than Shane. He had felt along for those couple of months when his parents relied more on the written word and hoped he would be able to lip-read everything they said to communicate. Shane was good at lip-reading, but no one was able to get it right all the time.

Ilya was waiting for him in the living room. Still standing in the same spot. “Shane,” he said, holding out a hand.

Shane didn’t hesitate this time; he took it, holding it tightly as Ilya led them back to the couch. “Ilya,” he said, smiling at him as Ilya sat down, making Shane sit next to him, but angled so they could see each other fully.

Ilya knew that Shane’s hearing aids picked up a lot, but Shane was profoundly deaf. Without his hearing aids, he could just about hear the thundering crowd at a game. Even then, it was just a low buzzing to Shane. The hearing aids amplified the sound that reached them a lot. Making it so that if your voice was of a normal volume, he could hear it, though it was quieter to Shane. He had tried to explain it to Ilya, what it was like for him, but Ilya knew he wouldn’t truly be able to understand, but he could at least sympathize with him.

“Thank you for learning,” Shane said again as he settled sideways on the couch.

“This is your language,” Ilya said, taking a hand and holding it. “Why would I not learn?” he asked.

Shane smiled, “Still, thank you,” he repeated, “I… I don’t even know where to begin with this.”

“We should know what we want from this. I know it is scary and dangerous. For you and me. You career, me Russia, and career,” he sighed, “But I want this,” he told him, being honest. “I am tired of fighting my own heart and mind. All the time I fight. I fight and hurt you each time. I pretend I don’t care, I don’t want this. When you’re all I think about.”

“I think about you all the time,” Shane admitted, “No matter what, I’m thinking about you. I go over our chats and wish that you were beside me again and again. I get scared, frustrated, and hurt when I think you don’t want the same. I would… rather just be with you once, than never at all.”

Ilya reached out, running a finger down Shane’s cheek. “We are stupid. We were stupid. But I can’t help what I feel.”

“Same,” Shane said, turning his head to kiss the hand that was now splayed over his cheek. “We were young, stupid, but it meant something, even then. I liked you a lot back then, and it just grew more and more.”

Ilya removed his hand, smiling at Shane. ‘I love you, I have for a while. I wanted to say something time and time again, but was scared. Always so scared. But no more. I know this could end badly, but if it does. I want to be right there with you.’

‘I’m scared. I know my team isn’t good with those who are part of the LGBTQ+. Hayden would be fine, if a little annoyed at it being you. But that’s because of the way you tease him.’ Shane grinned back. ‘Your ASL is really good.’

‘I have been learning a long time. Tutoring any time I could, over FaceTime, and in person.’ He answered, smiling softly. His whole face changed each time he smiled so openly. It was easy to forget that he was the Boston Bears’ fierce Captain, Ilya Rozanov.

“Really?” Shane asked, surprised.

“Da,” Ilya nodded, “Really, learning was hard at first. My tutor, Simon, helped a lot. Each day, I learned more and more. Watched videos, talked to Simon, went to the Deaf community place near here.”

“There is one?” Shane perked up at that.

“Yes, I go at least once a week to talk with people, have drinks. I like the hot chocolate. One day, when you are here, and they have a meeting, you should come. I talk about my friend, for whom I am learning ASL. Is you,” Ilya smiled, nodding a few times.

Shane smiled. “I’d like that.” Shane had a little trouble at times being part of the Deaf Community. He knew his parents didn’t mean it, but he had been isolated from a lot of people after he had lost his hearing. Shane had been seven when he had become ill. When he had recovered enough to know the work around him, it was silent. He was Deaf, profoundly deaf. He could hear the really loud noises. Like the crowd at the stadiums. But only just, a low-level thrum of noise that he couldn’t really make out. Even the announcer, buzzers, and whistles that sounded during games, he had trouble with. But, as he grew to accept that he was deaf, he had been taught how to move around the hearing world as much as possible. To almost ignore the fact that he was deaf by some of those around him. When he’d been older, going to the Deaf Community outreach space in Montreal as soon as he’d been able to get away from his parents. He’d felt off from everyone else.

“Now, what are we to do?” Ilya asked, “We love each other, da?”

“I love you,” Shane said, “I do, I really fucking love you, and I have for a long time, and I didn’t know how to say anything, or if I could,” he said, rushing out that his words were beginning to slur together.

“I know,” Ilya said, reaching out and taking a hand again. He knew that a little touch helped to ground Shane when his mind was racing. “I know you do,” he repeated. “It’s okay,” he smiled.

Shane nodded, smiling back. “I don’t know what we should do next. I don’t want to give this up. I don’t want to give you up. I want to try and make something of this, to be with you. To be boyfriends,” he stated, “To just be us. I wish we could go on dates and do things like that, and I know we can’t. We can’t even show that we’re friends without everyone around us making a big deal of it.”

Ilya nodded, “Russia is a big problem for me. They are getting worse with those like us. Those that are not straight. If they find out, it could be bad for me. I need to go back; my father is dying, and I will need to go back for that. But I know it will be the last time. It is not home for me, not anymore. It hasn’t been for a long time.”

“So, no coming out until then, at the very least. We need to make sure we have things in place for you to be safe should we be found out before then, or if we need to make sure that you’re safe afterward,” Shane said softly, “We should make a plan for both, just in case.”

Ilya nodded, smiling as Shane looked like he was a second away from jumping up to find something to write on and with. “No writing, we go with gut. Always best.”

“Best way to trouble,” Shane said, but calmed and settled against the back of the couch again.

“Maybe,” Ilya smirked, “But you are worth trouble.”

Shane nodded, a tight coil of panic and fear in his stomach, but Ilya was right; it would be worth it. The two made some plans before ending up making dinner together. Tomorrow, Shane would have to head back to the hotel. Hayden was covering for him that night, and he was wondering if he should tell Hayden about Ilya, as things had changed between the two of them. Shane thought about Ilya and who he could tell. He knew that Ilya was close with Cliff Marlow.

“We could… tell a person each, maybe one or two. I would want to tell Hayden,” Shane began over dinner.

“It would be Svetlana, she would be one, Marly might be the other. He is a better brother than Ilya’s own brother,” Ilya answered as he ate the beef and noodles he had made. Shane had some seasoned chicken for his own dish. 

Shane nodded, “I don’t know if I should tell my parents yet,” he added, watching Ilya as he spoke.

“Why not?” Ilya asked, “It is, of course, up to you, but why? You are close to your parents.”

Shane sighed, “Mom and Dad are protective. When I first lost my hearing, they wanted to deny it, pretend that it was going to get better. I was more accepting of it and wanted to learn. There are deaf schools I could have gone to. Instead, they got me tutors to teach me at home and then sent me back to my old school. It… wasn’t good. I felt left out, because the hearing aids I had made it so all I could hear was whispers, and I would often talk too loudly, and slur my words really badly. I was only seven, and I was always on my own after that. At a Deaf school, it would have been different. I would ahve had a better chance of having friends. My parents… didn’t really see it like that. Mom and Dad were making sure I kept all my language skills up. Writing, reading, speaking, and ASL. The doctors had scared them about language deprivation and how it can impact a child’s development. Which is true, it can. But anything I do, anyone I become friends with, they ask if I told them, like it’s something to be ashamed of. Though… It’s mostly my mom who’s like that. Dad’s a bit more relaxed, but then again, not one of the extended family knows how to use ASL at all, not even finger spelling,” he shrugged, he knew he was rambling, going off on tangents, but he just couldn’t help it. It hurt to think of why his parents, his mother especially, wouldn’t want her son dating someone.

“So, no telling them because they may not take it well?” Ilya asked, needing to clarify.

“More like mom won’t like the optics for it. She’s all about my curated public image. Dating only the right person, someone who is marketable and homely. Is what Mom has in mind for me. Wearing only the brands that I work with, having a squeaky clean image, to be a good role model for kids. She’s been doing that since I was little. Being deaf made things harder for her, since she had to use sign to talk to me at times. She often relied on me being able to lip-read, and to be honest, it’s hard, and I miss a lot,” he finally said, sighing heavily as he ate a few bites. “I love them both, I really do, but Mom is more manager most of the time. Dad tries, he tries to rein her in, to redirect her. Doesn’t always work, she’s a bit bullheaded at times,” he shrugged, “So, no. No to telling them just yet. I want us to be stable, to be us for a while before they know. I don’t mind a friend or two knowing. I know I’d like to tell Hayden and Jackie, both know sign, and they are teaching their kids as well. I don’t always wear my hearing aids around them, and to them, that’s fine. They sign as they talk, so I’m always part of the conversation, even when it’s more than likely something they should keep to themselves,” he grinned a little.

Ilya laughed, “Marly and Vic would be two I would like to tell. They are good friends, they know I am Bi, and are fine with that. Svetlana would be other, but she is a childhood friend, was kinda fuckbuddy at times. But we are more like friends now. But I haven’t been with anyone in a while, I just wanted you.”

Shane smiled softly, “Yeah,” he nodded, “You’re… the only one I’ve really been with,” he answered honestly.

Ilya looked at him, “You don’t have to always wear them with me either. I need practice,” he grinned.

Shane laughed loudly and brightly, not the quiet laugh he would give when around others. But something unrestrained, as he did around the Pikes and now with Ilya. “Yeah, I will,” he smiled, nodding a few more times as they finished dinner.

“What time do you have to go back to the hotel?” he asked.

“I need to be back early morning. Hayden can cover for some of the night,” Shane said, “He knows I’m with my Boston Lily,” he snorted, “So I need to be back around six in the morning, at least. Wake-up call will be at seven, team breakfast at eight, and then a small practice before the game, around ten to noon. Mostly just to go over plays.”

“Okay,” Ilya smiled, “Then we have until then. I will drive you back to the hotel, so we can spend more time together before the game.”

Shane smiled, “Yeah,” he agreed as Ilya leaned over and kissed him, before going back to his food. 

Ilya finished his own meal and got up to clean up. Shane got up and began to help, hip-checking each other at the sink, laughing and smiling as they got comfortable with the change in their relationship. Shane went without his hearing aids for the rest of the night. The two signed to each other, and Shane loved the fact that he could just be himself, without worry.