Through All The Changes – blackrose17 – Chapter 1

Reading Time:
14 Minutes

Chapter 1

I cannot cry

Because I know that’s weakness in your eyes

I’m forced to fake a smile, a laugh

Every day of my life

My heart can’t possibly break

When it wasn’t even whole to start with

My heart can’t possibly break

Biting his lower lip, Christopher looked at the brochures from the different colleges that he had been looking at. His eyes flickered over to the ones from LA, and he wasn’t certain that he wanted to be anywhere near his old home. “I should just throw those out. I won’t be applying anywhere near that man.” It had been five years since Christopher found that man with that woman, and he had come to realize how messed up his dad was. He chose to walk away from the life he had made in LA. He could lie and say that he had never regretted that choice, but those who knew him would call him out on his lie. 

“You are not a child anymore, so here is the truth: you are acting like a brat.”

It seemed like someone was tired of holding back. 

Lifting his head from where he was starting to push the LA college brochures into the recycle/reject pile, Christopher could only stare at his aunt in disbelief. “Tia Adriana?”

“Adriana!” Sophia hissed, glancing between her sister and nephew with a mixture of emotions flashing across her face.

Crossing her arms over her chest, Adriane shook her head. “No. Enough of this; Christopher needs to listen and hear what he spent years running from. What we have spent years hiding and protecting him from.” Her deep eyes blazed as they locked onto her nephew. “How you treated your dad all those years ago was horrible. No, you will let me speak.” She growled out when Christopher opened his mouth to argue. “We all understand that you were hurt, but running to your grandparents and refusing to even let Eddie talk to you was horrible and downright cruel. Nobody pushed it at first because your dad felt so damn guilty. He told us all that he deserved your anger and pleaded with us not to stay anything, which was damn hard for me as I wanted to let Mom know a few things.” 

“Then he moved here to make things right with you, to fight for you. And you told him that you hated him and wished that he would go away forever; then, if that wasn’t enough, you added salt to the wound, telling your grandmother you wanted to stay here in El Paso with her. That was beyond cruel, Christopher, and you ended up giving her what she wanted all along, you. From the moment you were born in this world, all she wanted was you as her son and damn Eddie.”

Christopher couldn’t argue with his Tia’s point. He had let his anger and need to hurt his dad as much as he was hurting. He also wasn’t blind to how much his grandmother had rubbed her victory in Eddie’s face. “It’s in the past. I can’t change anything, and besides, he didn’t fight that hard for me.” He muttered under his breath.

At that, both of his Tia’s leveled him a look of sheer disbelief.

Adriane shook her head; there was no missing the disappointment in her eyes. “That isn’t fair, Christopher, and it also isn’t true. Your dad did come down here to fight for you, and you wanted nothing to do with him. The only reason he left was when he had gotten that phone call from Buck telling him that almost all of his team, those of his chosen family, were nearly killed. That he nearly lost Buck, your Buck. They were down four people as they all waited for the others to get the all clear. He asked you to come back with him. I know that your friends reached out to you, and you barely responded because she told you not to. They were scared for their parents and family that they might have lost them, and instead of being the kind young man I know you are, you basically turned your back on them.”

Christopher tried not to shift in guilt as he recalled the messages that had filled the group he had been in with May, Denny, Harry, and Mara. All of them had been worried about those who had been trapped in that lab. They had been in LA, helpless, watching everything go down live, while he had been in El Paso, knowing nothing until his dad pleaded with him to come to LA.

“Please, mijo, it would help Buck to see you.” Eddie pleaded with his son, his eyes shining with tears and worry.

Christopher was afraid, his heart pounding with the fear that he might have lost someone. He might have lost Buck tonight, and he wouldn’t even have known it.

He knew that Bobby, Chimney, Hen, and Ravi all pulled through, but it had been touch-and-go for a while, especially for Bobby. He hadn’t answered any of the messages from May, Harry, Denny or Mara. Buck hadn’t messaged yet, but from what his dad was telling him, he hadn’t been able to. He was currently at the hospital with Athena, waiting until they could see Bobby. Buck’s dad in all the ways that matter.

“This just proves how unsafe your job is. That would have been you in that lab. You already have one foot in the grave. I won’t let Christopher be around you when you finally step into it fully.” Helena spoke as she placed a possessive hand on Christopher’s shoulder. “You can go back to LA if you want, but Christopher will be staying here.”

Eddie looked at his son; the hope in his eyes was slowly flickering out. “Christopher, Buck asked to see you.” He tried one more time. 

“I’ll call him.”

And that had been that. Eddie left the next morning for LA without Christopher, and Abuela had gone with him.

A sigh escaped Sophia. “While I think Adriane could have spoken to you more gently. Chris, she is right. You are an adult now, and this has gone on long enough. You didn’t even let anyone invite your dad or Buck to your high school graduation. Yes, your dad made a mistake, a big one, but you fought against and turned your back on every offer he made you to make amends and explain his side. He fought for you until you agreed with our mother to file for custody of you. You have become bitter and hateful, cutting off anyone who dared to refuse to coddle you and stand up to your attitude towards your dad. You haven’t spoken to your favourite cousin Carlos in years because of this. You cut Buck off, and he loves you so much. You haven’t spoken to Pepa in years.”

“She chose him! They all did. Buck chose him!” Christopher refused to acknowledge the pain that went through him as he thought about Buck. Buck, the last time he had spoken to him, had nearly lost Bobby. Buck had still been in the hospital waiting area as he pleaded with Christopher just to even text his dad. Who looked at him with those blue eyes and pleaded with him on his dad’s behalf to talk to him, to let him explain. He ended the call and blocked Buck, and hasn’t talked to him since. “Even Bisabuela chose him.”

Once again, a soft sigh escaped Sophia. “No one chose anyone. They both, along with everyone, fought for you, and you let your grandmother twist you; she fed off of your anger at your dad to get what she wanted. Your Abuelo even tried to talk to you.”

Yeah, hadn’t that been a shock when Ramon went against Helena and put his foot down, a little too late in some of the family’s opinion, but he had done it. Christopher winced as he recalled the fight that ended their marriage.

It was a sound that Christopher had never heard before; it was his Abuelo crying. Pressed against the edge of the wall just out of sight, he could only stare at the sight of Ramon’s shoulders shaking as he sobbed into his hands.

“Oh, I don’t know why you are acting like this, Ramon. I knew it was coming; he has always been so weak.” There was nothing but ice in Helena’s voice.

Christopher knew that his grandmother could look down upon people that she thought were beneath her; he had wielded it like a sharp blade against his dad and anyone who dared to take Eddie’s side.

“He’s not weak.” Ramon’s voice was soft.

“What?” Helena hadn’t been paying attention to her husband, too disgusted by his crying. He was supposed to be strong, to be a man, and men didn’t cry.

“I said,” Ramon started as he slowly got to his feet, “my son is not weak.”

A sharp laugh filled the air, one that had Christopher shrinking back against the wall.

“He has always been weak. I’m just surprised he hadn’t tried this sooner. If only that friend of his hadn’t been there after his first mental break, then we would have had Christopher all that much sooner.” Helena’s voice was venomous when she spat out the word friend.

For a moment, Christopher flashed back to the night he heard his dad sobbing and screaming as he took a baseball bat to his bedroom. He remembered how scared he was as he called Buck. If he hadn’t been able to get in touch with Buck, he wouldn’t have been sure what would have happened to his dad that night.

“…I WISH HE WAS!”

Christopher hadn’t realized how far he had drifted off into his thoughts until the screams of his grandmother pulled him back.

“You can’t mean that, Helena. Tell me you don’t wish that were true about our son?” Ramon’s voice was hoarse.

“I do mean that, Ramon. I wish that with all my heart.” Helena hissed.

Abuelo was silent for a long while, then when he spoke, his voice was stern, “Then I can no longer support you in this, Helena. For too long, I have given in to you and your wants. I knew we were harming Eddie, and yet I still went along with it because it made you happy. Now I know the horrible truth that the only way you would ever truly be happy is if our son were gone. I have been a fool, a blind fool, for too long. No longer. I am done, Helena.”

“What do you mean by ‘done ‘?” There was a hint of something in Helena’s voice. Christopher thinks it was fear.

“It means that I am done. I can no longer stay married to a woman like you.” Ramon’s voice didn’t waver. “And you can be sure that I am on Edmundo’s side. Now in the morning I am going to talk to Christopher and tell him what has happened and see if he wants to come to LA to see his father.”

Christopher couldn’t believe it; even from LA, his dad was causing issues. Abuelo was leaving his grandmother because of something his dad did! Fury erupted around Christopher; it enshrouded him as he stepped out from the shadows he was hiding in.

“I am not going anywhere!” Christopher bellowed.

“Christopher,” Helena exclaimed as she made her way over to him.

“Christopher…” Ramon started only to stop as his grandson glared at him with hatred.

“No, I don’t know what foolish thing that man did, but I won’t be going anywhere near him. I can’t believe that you are choosing him over your wife!” Christopher refused to even look at his Abuelo.

“Christopher.” Ramon sighed. “Do you even know what we were talking about? How much did you hear?”

“I heard enough. I know that you are leaving Grandma because she speaks the truth. You can go see him, but I am not going anywhere near him. I am staying here in El Paso. I won’t leave Grandma like you.” Christopher vowed.

After that, Christopher absolutely refused to talk to his Abuelo. The last time that he saw him was the day he was leaving for LA.

The knock at his door, followed by the “Christopher, we need to talk,” had Christopher rolling his eyes.

“We have nothing to talk about,” Christopher shouted back. “You don’t have anything to say that I want to hear.”

The door opened, and a growl escaped Christopher as Ramon stepped into the room. “I thought I told you I didn’t want to talk to you.”

A weary sigh escaped Ramon as he ran a hand down the side of his face. “You get this stubbornness from my side of the family. I am not sure of everything you heard last night, but you need to know something about your father.”

“He is not my father.” Christopher hissed out.

Ramon looked at Christopher as if he had just ripped his beating heart out of his chest. “You do not mean that.”

Sitting up straight, Christopher looked his Abuelo right in the eyes. “I do mean that, with all my heart and soul. I wish it had been him who died instead of my mom.”

Ramon reared back in shock. “Christopher, be careful; there are some things that you cannot take back, the words you speak in anger; one day you will look back on them and regret them. They will linger like poison, leaving scars on your heart and soul. I said so many things to your father that I wish I could take back, and I only hope that my actions now and going forward will help to make amends with him. You are young but not a child; you are letting your anger rule you and cloud your way of thinking. Once your anger fades, you will remember how much you love your father, and you will regret what you have said.”

Crossing his arms over his chest, Christopher glared at Abuelo. “I will never regret what I said. If I could pick, I would change that man for my mom to be alive any day.”

Shaking his head, the look Ramon gave Christopher was one that he would never understand until years later. “Oh, Christopher, you do not know how close you came to having no parents.” Closing his eyes, Ramon took a deep breath and then slowly opened his eyes. “I promised Buck that I would not try to force you to come down to LA, that it might do more harm than good should Eddie learn that you did not want to be there of your own will. Your father might not survive learning if you think like this, and we have just saved him.”

Blinking, Christopher watched his Abuelo leave, puzzled about what he had just said.

Pulled back from his memories, Christopher realized he had forgotten the puzzle his Abuelo’s words left him in. Looking at his Tia’s, this might finally be his chance to get some answers. “When Abuelo left Grandma, and for LA, he told me that they had just saved Eddie.”

Panic appeared in Sophia’s eyes as she looked to Adriana for answers on what they should do. Crossing her arms over her chest, Adriana met Christopher’s gaze. “If you want answers to those questions, you need to reach out to those in LA that you left behind.” Holding up a hand as Christopher went to say something, she shook her head. “No, it is time that you go back to LA and learn everything and make amends with those you left back there and stop running from the hurt you caused. Again, I am not saying that Eddie is blameless, but for almost six years, you have held what your dad did against him to justify holding onto your anger and how you treated him and by letting your grandmother treat your dad like he was something she needed to scrape off the bottom of her shoe. If you want answers, they are in LA, and maybe it is time that you learn the other half of the story, the parts that you don’t know.” Adriana told Christopher.

Sophia’s voice was softer. “There is so much that you need to know, but it is up to you if you are ready to listen or not. We cannot force you to do something you don’t want to do. You will need to decide if you are ready to listen and learn some truths that you have refused to hear before.” Exchanging a look with her sister Sophia, she took a deep breath. ” We have talked about this, and we would be willing to take you to LA if you want. It’s completely up to you, but we think it would be good for you.”

LA, the ghost that wouldn’t stop haunting him, clung to him like a ghost. “It would be nice to visit Mom’s grave. I haven’t been able to do that since I left.” Christopher was at least going to find something positive to do on this doomed trip. “It would also be nice to see Bisabuela.” Once his Abuelo moved to LA, his Tia’s already had been moved out of El Paso before he even came to stay here; they made it clear that they only came back to visit Christopher. Bisabuela, Tia Pepa and Abuelo had all invited him to come down for holidays and visits, and he always turned them down no matter how much he wanted to go.  They all knew that Helana wasn’t invited and Eddie would be there, so Christopher chose to stay with his grandma, refusing to be another person to abandon her. 

“As long as you promise not to force me to see Eddie, I will go.” Christopher laid down his one rule. 

There was no missing the heartbreak and sorrow on his tia’s face as he once again refused to call Eddie his dad. 

“We won’t make any arrangements, but we won’t tell abuela or Tia Pepa that they can’t invite your dad to come around just to please you,” Adrianna warned, a serious look in her eyes. 

“Fine.”