Almost Too Late – 2 – DarkJediQueen

Reading Time:
37 Minutes

Ilya picked up his phone as the alert went over it. It was a league rumor site that had a lot of good rumors on there.

Sources say that Hollander has been asked to waive his no trade. Montreal is shopping him around to other teams to see who wants him.

Ilya looked at those words. Montreal wanted Shane gone with the injury. That meant that it was worse than what they thought. Ilya hated it. He really fucking hated it. He was the cause of Shane being forced out of Montreal. He didn’t know what to do about that. He was pretty sure that he was going to end up having to really grovel to have Shane not hate him.

He looked at the laptop and the list of new therapists that he was working on talking to. There was a clinic in the area that offered services for Russian speakers.

Galina wasn’t a good therapist. Ilya learned that when talking to her and finding out that she didn’t think that it was right for Shane to call him when he was hurt. That Ilya had done the right thing in making a boundary that he didn’t want to see Shane again until Shane was ready to tell him that he was sorry for not going to the Centaurs party.

Ilya had left that session feeling worse than he had before, and he had called Bood. He asked him for his help in figuring out if it was him or his therapist. Bood and Cassie had both been horrified.

That had been just hours before, and Ilya wasn’t sure what the fuck he was going to do. He felt like his world was falling apart. He wanted to be there with Shane, but he felt like he couldn’t. He had hurt Shane. He was why he was hurt. Now Montreal was getting rid of him. Shane wanted to play for them for his entire career. He wanted to be a dynasty there.

Ilya’s phone rang. He looked at it and saw it was the GM. He swallowed and picked it up. He had practice in a few hours, they were doing a late one today, and their game was tomorrow. They had lucked out on a longer Christmas break just due to the way the games fell.

“Hello,” Ilya said as he pressed his phone to his ear.

“Rozanov, sorry to call while you are supposed to be resting, but I wanted to get your opinion on something,” Shawn said.

“Sure,” Ilya said.

“Shane Hollander. I know that you two are friends, but the games between you two are still pretty rough. I’m not gonna mess around. Can you play on the same team?”

“Sure. We are competitive, but that would just be pushing to make sure that our lines are the ones getting the most points. It would be who had the better line.”

Ilya wanted it so much. He wanted Shane on his team so much. He could work on making sure that Shane forgave him for allowing him to get hurt. He could move in with Ilya and they could be fucking happy. Given that they were friends, no one would blink an eye at Shane moving in with him given his arm and everything.

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. We can play together. We like playing together. The league kept us apart for many All-Stars. We loved playing together at All-Stars.”

“Okay, then we are going to throw out the hat in the ring for him.”

“Is big ring?” Ilya asked.

“Yes, it’s very big. They aren’t telling much about anything other than that they don’t want to have the worry of his injury. Shane Hollander isn’t going to let that injury weigh him down, and he’s going to get on the ice hungry for blood like he did after Marlow took him out.”

Ilya remembered that, and it wasn’t just that he had missed part of a season from Marlow laying him out. No, it was that he and Ilya were together. Ilya wanted to tell Shawn about it all. How they loved each other. How Shane was hurt because of him. He kept his mouth shut because that was something that Shane needed to be the one to agree to.

There was a little small talk about what the team would have to do to get space for Shane’s contract, but they could do it and then reassess in the off season. Ilya’s contract was locked, so it wasn’t going to help, but given everything of it all, Ilya knew that he would need to be offered the same as what he had or more because that one was before Shane had helped them win three cups.

When Ilya hung up, he looked at his text thread with Shane. He could see the happiness in their words from before, and he hated what he had done. He called Shane, and it went to voicemail after the normal number of rings. He was in the hospital. Ilya looked at the messages with Yuna, and he debated. He texted her.

Ilya: How is Shane doing?

Yuna: He’s at home in Montreal. He called and talked to us a while ago. He’s doing good.

Ilya knew that Shane had told them nothing. They were treating Ilya with kid gloves so Shane didn’t blame him, but Ilya blamed himself. He had no idea what the fuck to do about this. He went back to Shane’s text thread.

Ilya: I’m sorry about kicking you out.

Ilya read it over, and then he hit send. The read message came up, and there was even typing, and then there was a pause.

Shane: It’s not your fault a moose ran in front of me.

Ilya just stared at the words. Nothing about Shane missing him. There was nothing that screamed Shane. Then there was more typing.

Shane: Hayden’s coming over to pack up your things since I can’t do much of anything right now. We will make sure that they get to you. I’ll have to have a company pack up my stuff, and there are many things that would not be good. There will be NDAs, but I don’t want to take that chance. He said he doesn’t mind holding them until you can pick them up.

Ilya looked at the words. It made sense. There were a lot of Boston things and many more with his name on them in the bedroom. NDAs were only as good as the fear that they placed in someone.

Ilya: Thank you for thinking of me like that.

He had no clue what else to say about it. He hoped that it would be something good coming in after that, but Shane never messaged anything back. Ilya dropped his phone down again. He needed to take charge. He needed to make sure Shane knew that he was devoted to him.

Ilya had an idea and needed to make a plan. He needed for Shane to know that he was going to support him through all of this.

—

Shane looked at the man on the video call. Given that he was being traded, Montreal had waved everything to allow Shane to talk to a few other GMs and owners to make a decision.

The biggest thing that Shane wanted was to get the hell out of the Eastern Conference. He would head to the West, which had made Montreal happy when he said that he would choose from out there. There was the Central and Pacific. That meant that he had choices. He wasn’t sure who he wanted to join, though.

Right now, San Jose was the choice that looked the best from the three teams he had talked to.

“You are being serious?” Shane asked.

“I am. Look, I know that you are going to be working on your arm for a while. I have a place, and my last roommate moved out when he moved in with his girlfriend. You would have the whole fucking floor to yourself. You are on your last year with that contract.”

“Mickey,” Shane said, but he laughed. He shook his head and leaned back into the couch.

“Look, we all know the rumors. I don’t care about the rumors. You don’t need to confirm the rumor. I don’t give a fucking shit. I’ve never given a fucking shit.”

Shane knew that Mickey didn’t care. He had never cared. They had played in juniors together at Kingston, but he had been drafted to San Jose and only talked via text to shit-talk other teams and even their own teams. Shane had roasted his own fucking plays a lot over the years.

“My boyfriend told me to leave his place because I refused to go to a work party of his that was for staff and their family. We would not have been able to hide that we were together. I wrecked on my way home from his place. He came to the hospital, and then when he found out I was okay, he dipped and went home. He’s texted me once to tell me he was sorry for kicking me out and therefore the accident, but it wasn’t like he asked the moose to run in front of me. So yeah, we are broken up, and I’m happy as fucking hell to not be living in Montreal anymore because this place just reminds me of him. I packed up his stuff so the movers don’t see it. He will come and get it at some point, or my parents will.”

“I said you didn’t need to tell me.”

“I know, and I wanted to. Not because of thinking you need to know but because I’m going to be fucking miserable, and if we are living together and I ask you to leave me alone even if I look like this, I need you to leave me alone.”

“Got it. How long were you two together?”

“Summer 2017. We had been hooking up for years before that and slowly building to that.”

“You broke up with Rose Landry, and he decided to lock you down?”

“No, he was still kind of running. I locked his ass down. Now he’s flirting with a co-worker, and I think he likes him more. I think it’s where the fight came from.”

“Okay, look, I want to hear it. I’ve got to go. You call me tonight, and I’ll let you talk your ear off about everything to do with him and this coworker who is not worth you spitting on if he was on fire.”

Shane laughed, nodded at Mickey, and waved with his fingers before hanging up. He looked around the house. San Jose. He was going to San Jose. Mickey being there was the draw but also the fact that they were offering up things that Montreal wanted and taking on all of Shane’s money. He opened his text and sent off a single one to Devore with the name of the place. He then tapped the phone icon and called Farah, not putting it on video call. He did put it on speaker.

“Shane, you make the decision?”

“San Jose.”

“Okay, I’ll get things going. The moving crew will be there in the morning to box up things. Where are Ilya’s things?”

“Boxed up, and Hayden came to get them. They are in his place. Mom said she would take them to Ilya. I’ve not told them that Ilya and I broke up yet. I’ll tell them when I’m a country away from them.”

“Shane, you need to talk to someone.”

“I have Mickey.”

“Who is that?” Farah asked.

“He’s a guy I played in Kingston with, and he’s been in San Jose since he was drafted. He’s letting me live with him. A whole floor to myself. It’s fully furnished. I just need my clothes and other things. Mom found a storage facility for the things I will not be taking with me. I’ll take a lot of it to the cottage this summer, and I have a storage area that I can stick some of it in. The stuff I will just buy again, I would like to have taken to a place where people who need it will be given it for free.”

“Okay, I’ll work on a place for that. You mark those things, and I’ll have them taken there. You have a concussion, are you really going to fly there?”

“No, no. Jackie is going to drive me. The nanny is going to stay with them, and we are going to load up a few of the things that I want to take with me, and then we will drive it. It’s about forty-four hours of driving, and we will break that up. I can drive some as long as I don’t get lights in my eyes. So, we will have her do the early morning and the late night driving, and I’ll do the middle of the day. Then she’s going to fly back.”

“Okay, yeah, driving is better than flying. Jackie’s looking forward to it. She told me that she hasn’t had as much time with me as she wants lately. So I get to spend some time with her. She’s planning to fly out to the game Montreal plays against San Jose and hang with me. My floor in the house has two spare rooms on it. Mickey’s had up to three other players living with him before, and that was with a guy in the attic and basement. Mickey moved to the ground floor the last time he was hurt, so the second floor is all mine.”

“I’m glad you have that all planned. Look, this is a lot of change, and you are hurt. Don’t let them push you into things that you don’t want to do when it comes to healing.”

“I won’t. I’m not going to do anything that will stop me from being able to play hockey until I’m forty.”

Farah laughed, and she moved some papers. “I’ll get things going on this end, and then you’ll be announced as traded when it does live. I’m sure the rumors are going to hit at some point before either team announces the trade.”

“I plan to record a few small little videos and then send them to the PR people in San Jose. It’ll be good for them to drop them. I still have a bruise on my face from the accident, but seeing me in person might be nice. Jackie and I will talk about it.”

“You need anything else from me?” Farah asked.

“No, not right now. Thank you.”

Farah talked to him about a few things and then they hung up. Shane dropped his phone down and looked around the house. It didn’t feel like home anymore. Ilya’s place had stopped feeling like home a few weeks ago. Their relationship had died a slow death that had the end rushed when Boxing Day happened.

It still fucking hurt that Ilya had actually told the nurse to not call him about anything to do with Shane anymore. Shane would want to know how Ilya was doing if something happened to him. He still fucking cared about Ilya. They weren’t getting there anymore, but there was a part of Shane that was always going to love him.

“Fuck,” Shane said, and he rubbed his eyes. He needed to get some sleep because in the morning, the movers would be there, and then Shane would be leaving with Jackie. He doubted that San Jose cared about them driving since he wasn’t going to be able to play. Yeah, they would want media things, but the videos would be nice. He could talk to someone and see what they wanted. There were plans, and Shane was sticking to them. He wasn’t going to let San Jose push him into anything he didn’t want to do. He could get the fuck out of Montreal, and that was all that mattered.

—

Ilya was in the dressing room when he heard the team start to talk more. He looked around to see they were all gathered around their phones, some were groups of two or three, and other guys were just staring at their own phones.

“What’s going on?” Ilya asked.

“Hollander’s been traded to San Jose. What is Montreal thinking? Even their own reports on him have him coming back before the playoffs. It’s not like he’s going to fucking suck at hockey because he hit a moose and slid off the side of the road,” LaPointe said.

Ilya looked at Bood, who looked worried.

Going to San Jose put a crimp in Ilya’s plans to romance the fuck out of Shane and make sure that Shane knew that he only loved him. He had literally just put the final touches down on the plans that morning, and it was going to start when practice was over. They had a game tomorrow, and then they were out of the area, but Ilya planned to drive to Montreal.

Ilya nodded toward the hall, and he picked up his phone. Shane hadn’t called him to tell him about the trade. Shane had to have known before this. He dialed Shane’s number as soon as he got there, and he saw no one there. He pressed his phone to his ear, and it rang, then it was picked up, and he heard a woman laughing. Then there was a static. When it came back, the woman laughed again.

“Shane Hollander’s phone, Receptionist Jackie speaking,” Jackie said.

“I would like to talk to Shane not on speaker.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, Rozanov. That’s not gonna happen. This is the fun car ride, not the sad car ride. Whatever you want to say to him can be written in a letter and mailed to his parents’ house and then forwarded to Shane’s new address in San Jose.”

“Why can’t I just talk to him?” Ilya asked. He frowned. He knew that not saying much to Shane for a few days was wrong, but this was something else.

“Shane doesn’t need to talk to his ex.” Then the phone went dead.

Ilya looked at it. Shane’s ex? He wasn’t Shane’s ex. He called again, but this time it went right to voicemail. Shane’s phone was either off or he was blocked. It was like when Shane had called him. He pressed the icon to call Yuna.

“Why does Shane think that he and I are broke up?” Ilya asked.

There was silence, and Ilya had to look at his phone for a few seconds to make sure that he hadn’t been hung up on as well.

“Ilya, what do you expect to happen when you didn’t visit him after he woke up, you told the nurse to not call again about anything to do with Shane, and then you have only tried to get in touch with him once in all of this, and Shane just assumed it was to soothe your guilt about the wreck.”

Ilya dropped to the floor. He felt the pain, and he wasn’t sure what the fuck to think. No, they were not broken up. He had just been wallowing in his pain.

“I was just trying to fix things. Was trying to get myself better so that I didn’t…I didn’t want to break up. I love him.”

“You have to kind of tell people these things, Ilya. We tried to tell him that it wasn’t what it was, but then you kept on not contacting him, and then when you did, there was nothing there but saying you were sorry about kicking him out. You didn’t even tell him that you loved him over a text. The last thing that he has from you in person is you telling him to get out after you backed him into a wall, then him trying to call you and you shutting your phone off, then a nurse telling him that she was sorry but you told her to never contract her again over Shane.”

Ilya could see it now. It was just like when Ilya had been with Shane after the Olympics and then the whole of the playoffs. Ilya had done things that made sense in his head, but they didn’t make sense to Shane, and Shane had been hurt over them. Yeah, they had no promises to each other, but he knew it still hurt him. This time it had been worse. It had been just fucking days, but Ilya had broken Shane’s heart.

“I didn’t mean it that way,” Ilya said as he pressed his back to the wall and slid down it.

“I know. Like I said, we tried right up until that thing with the nurse.”

“I thought it was nice that Shane was making sure that anything with my name on it was evidence of him having a boyfriend being taken out before he moved cities, which was nice, but it’s all of my things, isn’t it? All of my things and probably things that I have given him are at Pike’s place, right?”

“Yes, they are. Everything. I am not sure what is in there, to be honest. Hayden’s the one who helped him pack that up.”

“He’s with Jackie?”

“They are driving to San Jose. They expect it to take four days. Jackie’s driving in the morning and then in the evening again. They hope to get in three days of twelve hours of driving, and then the last day will be shorter. He’s got a place to stay in San Jose already.”

“Thank you. I will fix this. I will. Jackie said that anything I want to say to him I need to mail to you. Can I drop it off to you and you mail it to him, like the fastest method possible?”

“I can do that. I know that you are hurting, and David and I still love you. We never expected you to be perfect, and our son is hurting right now, in more ways than one, but we will not just toss you away. You are part of this family even if you and Shane don’t get back together.”

Ilya dropped the phone, and he swiped to hang up before the tears fell. He didn’t need them hearing him crying his ass off like that. He hoped that no one came out to find him. This was really going to make the team see what was going on with him and Shane. He knew that Shane was going to hate him for this, but he had to make sure that no one on the team told anyone anything.

He didn’t even try to hide that he’d been crying when he came back into the dressing room. He looked at the team for a few seconds before he looked at Bood. “Lock the doors. No one but the team is in and out right now. Tell whoever is outside there that we need a team meeting and no one to interrupt.”

Bood nodded.

It took a few moments for them to get settled enough. The phones were away, and the team looked at him. “I know that between Boxing Day and this you have questions. I am glad you have not talked to me about them because before right now I wasn’t sure what to do. I have to say this. Hollander came out to his team, and then the rumor spread that he was gay. His team didn’t keep their mouths shut. We are not that team. We are not the team that talks behind backs.”

There were nods from everyone on the team. Ilya took a deep breath.

“Shane and I got into a fight. I wanted him to come to the party, and he didn’t want to go. He had a good reason because as much as I had it in my head that bringing my friend to the party would be fine, it would not have been friends, and none of you guys would have thought that we were friends. We were not friends. We’ve been together for a few years now. He’s going to be fucking pissed that I’m outing him, but I thought that this would be better than you all talking in places you should not be. I am bisexual. I love Shane more than anything in the world, but I’ve fucked up. I’m not going to go on about what I fucked up about because it’s not needed. Right now he’s on his way to San Jose, and he thinks that we are broken up. I’m not going to be good for the next while personally, so please do not ask me. I’m going to win my man back. We play San Jose in a month. At that game, no matter what happens, you are not to target him more than you normally would. We will play a good and clean game. We will win because we are fucking better than San Jose.”

“What do you need us to do about helping you?” Wyatt asked.

“Just don’t talk about this with anyone. I know that some of you have girlfriends who live online more than anyone else in the world. Please do not talk to them about this. I mean it when I tell you that I want no one knowing. I don’t have a PR card yet, and Russia could make it hard for me to do my job and cross the border into the US. I will be working on that card more now. My agent had been trying to get my ass to do things, and the team is more than willing to get things going there.” Ilya had no clue what else to say. He knew that he trusted these guys. He knew that he could let them in. Shane didn’t see it because Ilya didn’t talk about them.

Ilya could see a few of his issues over the last while and what they had done to make things harder for them. Shane had his own issues, but most of them were easy to get over if Ilya didn’t poke at things. Tell him that he needed to be silent more when Shane was worried about him.

“I’m in therapy, it’s newer, and it’s not been going well. I am not sure what was wrong with my last therapist, but she wasn’t good. I found another who speaks Russian because there are times it’s a lot easier to talk in Russian than in English. My new therapist allows me to do video calls to have a session so I can have flexible time. He and I are doing pretty good. So if I am in my room and tell you all not to bother me, I mean it.”

Troy stood up, and he walked over to hug him. Ilya took the hug, and he felt a few other guys patting him on the back. Then there were other hugs from the guys who Ilya didn’t mind hugging. It was a good talk. They all told him they were going to tell no one anything.

Then it was just Bood, Troy, and Ilya in the dressing room. He smiled at Bood. “I’m sorry this happened. I can see what you mean, though, with what you did.” Bood reached out, and he clasped Ilya’s shoulder. “Whatever you need, we are here for you.”

“Go make sure the guys really do keep to not talking about this,” Ilya said.

Bood left, and it was just him and Troy.

“I wondered about you two after you came out to me. I didn’t think anything but that your reaction about what I said about Hollander was telling. I’m sorry that you have had to hide. I hate that I’ve been part of why he feels like he needs to hide. I hate that his team didn’t have his back and kept their mouths shut. Is that why he was traded?”

“I am not sure. He’s not talking to me. I got the person who is driving him to San Jose because the concussion makes it hard for him to want to fly. He’ll be better driving. They have their plans. I have to go at some point and get my things from Pike’s house.”

“Your things?” Troy asked.

“My stuff from Shane’s house. He had Pike box it up so that the people who are doing the boxing of his house and doing all of that don’t have to see it, and while there are NDAs in place, those are not always the best, and rumors can start form anywhere. Best to get my things out first, I just didn’t realize it was everything of mine. All of my shit pulled from his place like it was just nothing.”

“He’s got his own issues, I think,” Troy said.

“He does, but I can see why he did what he did. I have a history of just ignoring him when I want to and expecting him to just understand and wait for me. This time it was worse. Let’s get out there and practice, and then we can crush whoever we have in the game tomorrow.” Ilya knew, but his brain wasn’t processing it right.

Practice was a fucking battle, but it was a good battle. They were clicking better than they ever had, and things were going fucking good. It was the kind of shit that made it all better. The game going well always made Ilya’s life go better. He wanted to make sure that he had his thoughts down as soon as he got home, though, so he rushed through leaving practice.

Troy was standing at the side of Ilya’s car when he got outside with his bag of clothes. He stared at him.

“I thought I would go and help you get your things from Pike’s place. Give a buffer since I know that he’ll probably be an asshole. He’s been a bit of an ass to you over the last while, and I never understood why. I guess I know.”

“Yeah. We are not good together and I feel like it’s part of all of this. We both made mistakes, but it’s hard on Shane. I’ll be working through that in therapy.”

“It’s helping?”

“I thought it was before, but now I feel like it was helping in the wrong ways. It was helping me be an asshole more to Shane, to resent him for things that he cannot change. My old one was making it me and my wants against Shane instead of us and our wants versus the institutionalized homophobia and racism that the league has.”

Troy nodded. He waved at the car, and Ilya nodded. Troy walked around the car and got into the passenger seat.

Ilya got in, and he put his bag in the small backseat. He looked at Troy before he got the car started. He checked the time. He knew when Pike was going to be home and they had time for him to go home and do a few things before they had to head out. “It’s not time yet to leave so you can come to my house. We will go when it’s time and then stop for food on the way home before I drop you back at the place you are staying.”

“Sounds good,” Troy said.

Ilya liked that Troy was willing to go with him. It would make it a lot easier.

—

Shane got out of the shower, and he cracked the door to help with the steam in the place because the vent was just not doing it. He toweled his hair.

“Wait, he fucking what?”

Shane paused in what he was doing and moved toward the door more. He listened hard, but he wasn’t sure who Jackie was talking to. It was at kid because, well, she never swore that much in front of them.

“Hold on, I need to do something with my hands, let me put you on speaker. Shane’s in the shower, and he’ll be busy for a while.”

Shane heard Jackie moving, and then there was the sound of Hayden speaking.

“He fucking brought Troy fucking Barrett with him. They are laughing, and Barrett can’t stop looking at Ilya like he’s fucking in love.”

Shane had wondered. At the moments where he missed Ilya the most. The jokes made and the other were things that Shane wondered if Ilya had fallen in love or at least in lust with Barrett since they were in the same city. He pulled the door shut so that he couldn’t hear any of it. He didn’t need to hear Hayden bitching about Ilya moving on from him already with Troy Barrett.

Getting ready to head out for the day was something that Shane had been looking forward to, but now he just wanted to get it over with. They had no plans beyond stopping for breakfast in about an hour and then lunch and dinner later. Today was one of the longer stretches of driving that they were going to do because there was nothing they wanted to do. Shane had snacks ready for him, and even Jackie had snuck a few things in there to tempt him into something else. He had done a little exercise in the gym of the hotel, mostly on the stationary bike, and after a little messing around, some on a few other devices that he could use without using his bad arm. Jackie would come in and help him with his arm when he was done in the bathroom. She was good at cleaning the wounds and rewrapping them before helping him get the brace back on. It had all been wrapped up for the shower, and as soon as he had been out, Shane had taken it off.

Ilya had spent so much time jealous that Shane was going to move on, just leaving him for someone else that Shane had never thought that Ilya would do it. Not until Troy Barret had joined the team. Ilya and he seemed to click in a way that he and Shane never had. It made Shane want to fucking die. He braced his good arm on the counter, and he let his head fall. He let a few new tears fall down his face. He wanted to yell and scream and throw a fit, but that wasn’t allowed. He wasn’t allowed that kind of thing in public, and this was public, even if they were in a hotel room, this was public. He fucking hated this. He hated feeling like this.

Right now, Shane almost wished that Ilya had never come to the cottage that summer. He wished that he could just erase this and never have to think about it again. never had to feel this gutted over someone. He didn’t want to be in love with Ilya anymore. He didn’t want to have to wake up to his pain. He would have to push it down when he got to San Jose and only talk to Mickey about it when he was with him at the house. They were going to have to figure out a way to make sure that Mickey supported him without it going badly.

After a few minutes of sadness, Shane made himself finish getting ready. He packed everything into the bathroom into the kit he had with him. He opened the door and found Jackie on the bed with her phone in hand, scrolling something.

“So I found a breakfast place an hour and a half away. They have more than enough stuff that you can find what kind of meal you want. I can get my pancakes.”

“Sounds good. I’ll drive us there, and we will see how it goes after we are leaving there if I want to keep on driving or not.”

“Good. I packed up everything but what I need for your arm. I have my stuff ready to go.”

“Okay, I’m ready for your help with my arm.”

Shane sat down on the toilet, and he held out his arm to allow Jackie to take off the brace. The nurse who had come the few days that Shane was there had trained Jackie on what to do with him and how to make sure that she didn’t hurt him. He laid his arm down on the counter and looked at the ugly skin where the glass had ripped him to shreds.

“Are you feeling okay?” Jackie asked.

“I heard part of that. I don’t want to know more, but I heard that Ilya brought Barrett with him to get the things. I shut the door after that.”

“I’m sorry,” Jackie said.

“It’s not your fault. I was just trying to get help getting the steam out.”

“You don’t need to apologize. Hayden stewed over it all night, and he wanted to get it out but wanted to be sure you were in the shower. He called late because Arthur had an issue.”

“Is he okay?”

“Yeah, he has just been having issues with a stuffed animal. There was an issue with Amber and juice.”

Shane nodded. He rolled his arms carefully, feeling the spike of pain that meant the pills were wearing off. Not enough to take any yet. He would be doing that when they ordered food.

“You said that you had a friend of yours who is a psychologist for people with eating disorders,” Shane said.

Jackie looked up at him, and she just stared, her hand with the gauze she was using to dab at the spot where there was a blood clot that had been stubborn for days now. She dropped more saline on it from the bottle they were given to clean his arm. He could get more supplies from the team doctor in San Jose, but they were given enough to last a lot longer than they were going to be on the road.

“I do.”

“Will she help me find someone in San Jose?”

“She lives on the border so she can practice in the US and Canada. I’ll see if she’ll do online things with you. If you want. Do you think that you have an issue?”

“I think that my need to be perfect so that Montreal and its fans wouldn’t dump me and treat me like shit might have moved into one. They want to eat something that is not on my diet, the sticking to things that are good for me, like the pomegranate at Christmas when I really fucking wanted that cookie.”

Jackie snorted, and Shane used his free hand to shove at her.

“We know what cookie you wanted.”

Shane laughed, and he leaned over to brace himself on her as he laughed. It fucking sucked that he still wanted Ilya, but yeah, he wanted to fuck Ilya so bad that night, well have Ilya fuck him. He wanted so much that he wasn’t going to eat, but this laughter freed something inside of him. He pushed up when she tapped him, and Shane looked to see that he one clot was finally free. It was good because it itched. It didn’t seem to be bleeding there, which was good. The more cleaning happened next, and then there was a little bit of salve that she was supposed to put on there to help with the itching and keep the wound from sticking to the gauze. The wrap was loose all over, and the brace would keep it in place once it was on there.

“It was good to hear you laugh,” Jackie said.

“It felt good to do it. I am not sure what I’m going to do, but I’m pretty sure that it’s going to be a long process. Getting the fuck out of Montreal might help as well.”

Jackie pushed him up to where he had settled back on the toilet while she carefully lifted his arm and got the brace under it again. Then she worked on the straps and the one that went up his elbow to keep it fully secure. He wiggled his fingers and then moved his whole arm when she was done. It was where it needed to be. Shane smiled at her.

“I’m glad that I’m here and not Hayden. He’s good, and he loves you so much, but you don’t need someone who is angry at Ilya right now. You need someone who is going to let you feel what you want to feel without having to worry about anything else. I’m glad you allowed me to do this.”

“Hayden would be bad, even if he could get the time off. It’s going to be horrible. I’m not sure that things will go well, but at least we can figure out what I feel without him telling me what I feel.”

“He loves and he hates people who hurt those he loves. He’s just stubborn. I’ll make sure he understands.”

Shane nodded, and he stopped up, using his good arm to help Jackie up. She braced herself on his arm, and up she went. He waited for her to start to wash her hand again before he headed out of the bathroom. He dropped money on the TV stand to make up for all of the medical waste in the bathroom.

“I need coffee, and this place’s coffee sucks, so you are going to order something nice,” Jackie said.

Shane looked at her where she was standing in the bathroom doorway. She was glaring at him, and he nodded. He thought about the coffee he used to like before he started on his diet that was supposed to make him stay in Montreal forever. That he was going to play until he no longer could.

In the wake of his life being blown the fuck up with Ilya breaking up with him without even talking to him, starting to date Troy fucking Barrett of all people, and Shane being traded, he felt like he needed to actually embrace his life and do shit that made him happy.

“I loved flat whites before with three pumps of cinnamon syrup and one of vanilla,” Shane said.

“Okay, then that is what we are going to get you. You look up where you want to go for coffee, and I’ll pack up the car. You are not to lift anything yet. I saw you being a little dizzy when you brought shit in last night. I know you were probably just tired, but you are not lifting anything until we get to the hotel tonight.”

“Okay,” Shane said.

Jackie glared at him. Shane just smiled. He wasn’t going to fight. His life had been too much fighting lately, and he knew she was doing it out of care. Not that he couldn’t do it. Besides, Jackie had no idea the spa day that was waiting for her when she got back.

Shane was done figuring out what place he wanted to get coffee from based on them being able to do a flat white but also not a big chain when Jackie came back after taking their bags out. He didn’t mind the chains, it was nice sometimes to get something that he knew was going to be the same no matter where he got it.

It was still kind of dark outside, but Shane didn’t mind it. He slipped into the SUV, and he dropped his head back into the seat and put his sunglasses on to make sure that he didn’t get headlights into his eyes.

“So, I packed something, and I thought that this would be a good time to tell you about it because we are far enough away from where you would demand I give it to my kids when they don’t need it.”

“Jackie,” Shane said. He looked at her as she got into the front seat. She had a dark black case sitting in her lap. He wasn’t sure what was in there, but he wanted to make her keep it with her anyway. Even if he had to pay for her to be able to take it home with her.

“You used to play on your DS a lot, and then the other guys on the team were assholes. You swapped to just watching movies despite the fact that so many guys in the league play games on their systems all the fucking time.”

“Jackie.”

“So, we went out, and we bought a few games that we thought you would really love, and there is also a new DS in here as well as the Switch.”

“Jackie,” Shane said. He didn’t want to cry, but he took the case when it was handed over. He flipped it open to see the pocket where the DS was as well as the games he had on the old one.

“Hayden got your old one out, and he got it booted up and was able to do the swap. I know the battery was pretty bad. This is a used one and is in good condition. Your old games are in there as well as the Switch and the games we bought for it. He said you loved Ocarina of Time, so I bought you Breath of the Wild. Play your fucking games on the flights when the season comes back up. Play what you can with your arm the way it is.”

“You guys shouldn’t have.”

“No, but we wanted to, and that’s the whole point of it. You need something, and we want to give you love. Now when you play any of them, you’ll think of us. I even bought you Minecraft for the Switch. Hayden was able to figure out your password for your Nintendo account. So, maybe change that.”

“I’ll do that when I get online for more than the time it took me to get the coffee. That started to give me a headache. Let’s get a hot flat white and an iced one for me. I’ll let the hot one settle and drink the iced, and then pour it over the ice with what is left.”

“Freak.”

“Weirdo,” Shane said. He put everything back in the case, and he held up his phone to take a picture. He carefully held his injured hand out and had it flipping off Hayden before he took it and sent that picture to Hayden. He laid his phone down and carefully turned to put the case in the back on the floor behind Jackie. He would look at it later because right now if he looked at what games she had bought him, he was going to be a crying fucking mess.

Shane had turned all of his gaming to sports games years ago because he was tired of being made fun of. Especially when he played Nintendo games, the racist shit about that was horrible.

Maybe he is going to be getting better here.

“I think that I’m not going to date when I’m in San Jose, or maybe at all for a long time.”

“Shane,” Jackie said.

“It’s not… I’m done not being enough for people, so I’m going to make myself happy. I’m not going to date to make people happy. I’m going to do it when I feel like it. I’m not going to give into peer pressure there. I need to work on myself and make sure that I’m going to find someone who wants me for who I am instead of who they want me to be. I love Ilya. It’s not going to go away for a long time. I know that. He’s been my focus for a long time. I can’t just shut that off, but I can make myself happy before I try and fix myself with someone.”

“Is that what you did?”

“No, but I think it’s what he did. I think that he thought that loving me would make the hard part in him feel better. I think that I made it worse because I wasn’t enough for him. It seems like Barrett might be. They both have shitty fucking fathers. I heard his father yelling at him once after a game years ago because Barret let me get a hat trick, and the last goal was off a turnover from him.”

“Wait…you mean that Hayden was right that Troy’s into Ilya?”

“Please don’t tell anyone. I mean it. I shouldn’t have said anything, and Ilya never should have said it to me, but Troy came out to him.”

“He was the worst with the shit said to you over the years. Hayden always talked to me about that because he knew you never wanted to. You let it roll off, but he hated it. He needed someone to talk to, and JJ was a lot like you.”

“JJ and I got a lot of shit in the league over the years. It was easy to forget it was happening outside of right when it was. I wasn’t able to react. JJ really wasn’t able to react. Every time I reacted to what was said to me as a kid, I was called emotional like a woman.”

“Fuck,” Jackie said.

“It’s not good. Look, I just want Ilya happy. That wasn’t with me. I’m not going to pine forever, but I can’t move on yet. There is no reason to hurt someone else because I’m still in love with Ilya.”

“Okay, we will leave it alone. I’ll make sure that Hayden knows to leave it alone. We will be supportive without being those kinds of people.”

Shane smiled, and he nodded. He closed his eyes and tipped his head back to the seat before he inhaled and exhaled. He had said what he had been thinking about all day before. His phone vibrated, and Shane pulled it out to glance at it. It was a picture of Hayden on the couch with Arthur in his arms, the kid was asleep.